2ww #3 (stormy seas)

It’s day 10 post IUI and I’m driving myself crazy with wondering whether I am pregnant or not. I totally promised myself I wouldn’t do this and have been pretty good about it generally. But I’ve had lots of cramps (bit like period pain) this time around which was painful and odd so I rang the nurse at my clinic who said this could be a really great sign that I’m pregnant. Cue me getting really excited and then cursing myself for having the classic ol’ visualisation of the two pink lines appearing and me running to tell my wife waving the test excitedly shrieking that we done it, we done it….

Since then I’ve been trying to stop myself from getting my hopes up but it’s SOOO hard. Plus I find the last few days of the 2WW are terrible for hormones.  I cried buckets during the film Steve Jobs earlier today and I’m pretty sure it’s not a sad movie… I’m also tired and grumpy. A real joy to be around for my poor wife!!

Anyway tonight she has gone off to a party which I couldn’t face so I’m going to watch some crap TV and eat pizza…if that doesn’t cheer me up I don’t know what will!

All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey.

I haven’t blogged for a while… The disappointment of the failed IUI was heavy and deep and set in me like a bag of stones tied to me feet. I dragged it around with me bumping in to people as I went and rubbing off my anger on them. We went away for a few days to escape and for the first three days I did very little apart from sleep and watch TV. K did her best to pull me out of it but I was stuck hard and really felt that I had lost something…even though there wasn’t anything to lose in the first place.

A couple of weeks later and I feel better now. IUI #3 is due in a few days and I have felt really withdrawn from the whole process this time round. I’m clearly protecting myself from the hurt that might follow and I’m ok to admit that. I just feel as if I am just going through the motions… scan, injection, another scan, another injection… I’m not sure how I will feel during the two week wait. I’ll try and switch off from it I guess but that won’t be easy… and it’s probably not the most healthy thing to to do either.

The whole process just feels so lonely. It’s not something that anyone really talks about and I haven’t got any close friends that are even gay, let alone trying to have a baby with their same sex partner. Maybe we’ll be lucky third time round but I’m really not counting my chickens. All looks okay womb wise…but it did last time too so….

Anyway, we have a plan now. If this round doesn’t work we’ll take December off and discuss IVF with our consultant in the hope of doing that in January. We will get our baby!

IUI result #2

Another Big Fat Negative.

To say I’m gutted is an under statement. I really believed that there was something different about this one and the weird feelings I was having were more than just hormones and side effects. K and I went to see our consultant just after the IUI treatment to see what he’d recommend if it didn’t work this time and he was a bit surprised that we didn’t believe we were pregnant now…he told me to stop being negative and really believe that I am pregnant. So I did…. and the crash that I felt when the test read negative is bloody horrible.

We had our 5 and 2 year old nephew and niece staying this weekend and so I had to sneak off and do the test on my own whilst K kept an eye on the kids. To come back and silently shake my head at the ever hopeful K was heart breaking. I tried to shake it off and it wasn’t until later when my clingy niece was having a horrific tantrum that I decided I’d had enough and locked myself in my room to cry and cry. I spoke to my Mum which helped and then had a bath with K and take away for tea. But I still feel so gutted this morning….and angry. We’ve spent £6000 so far…money we don’t really have and money that is fast running out. I don’t know what we’ll do if it doesn’t work in the next couple of tries. It’s hard to just get on with the next cycle but guess that’s what I have to do. Suck it up and get on with it. Luckily we are away this week and then have a quieter few weeks at work. October was the most stressful month of the year so probably a really shitty time to do IUI. November please be nice to us!!!