I haven’t blogged for a while… The disappointment of the failed IUI was heavy and deep and set in me like a bag of stones tied to me feet. I dragged it around with me bumping in to people as I went and rubbing off my anger on them. We went away for a few days to escape and for the first three days I did very little apart from sleep and watch TV. K did her best to pull me out of it but I was stuck hard and really felt that I had lost something…even though there wasn’t anything to lose in the first place.
A couple of weeks later and I feel better now. IUI #3 is due in a few days and I have felt really withdrawn from the whole process this time round. I’m clearly protecting myself from the hurt that might follow and I’m ok to admit that. I just feel as if I am just going through the motions… scan, injection, another scan, another injection… I’m not sure how I will feel during the two week wait. I’ll try and switch off from it I guess but that won’t be easy… and it’s probably not the most healthy thing to to do either.
The whole process just feels so lonely. It’s not something that anyone really talks about and I haven’t got any close friends that are even gay, let alone trying to have a baby with their same sex partner. Maybe we’ll be lucky third time round but I’m really not counting my chickens. All looks okay womb wise…but it did last time too so….
Anyway, we have a plan now. If this round doesn’t work we’ll take December off and discuss IVF with our consultant in the hope of doing that in January. We will get our baby!