All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey.

I haven’t blogged for a while… The disappointment of the failed IUI was heavy and deep and set in me like a bag of stones tied to me feet. I dragged it around with me bumping in to people as I went and rubbing off my anger on them. We went away for a few days to escape and for the first three days I did very little apart from sleep and watch TV. K did her best to pull me out of it but I was stuck hard and really felt that I had lost something…even though there wasn’t anything to lose in the first place.

A couple of weeks later and I feel better now. IUI #3 is due in a few days and I have felt really withdrawn from the whole process this time round. I’m clearly protecting myself from the hurt that might follow and I’m ok to admit that. I just feel as if I am just going through the motions… scan, injection, another scan, another injection… I’m not sure how I will feel during the two week wait. I’ll try and switch off from it I guess but that won’t be easy… and it’s probably not the most healthy thing to to do either.

The whole process just feels so lonely. It’s not something that anyone really talks about and I haven’t got any close friends that are even gay, let alone trying to have a baby with their same sex partner. Maybe we’ll be lucky third time round but I’m really not counting my chickens. All looks okay womb wise…but it did last time too so….

Anyway, we have a plan now. If this round doesn’t work we’ll take December off and discuss IVF with our consultant in the hope of doing that in January. We will get our baby!

Scrambled Eggs

So it seems that the fertility drugs that I am currently injecting myself with have turned me in to a weeping mess. I am crying over EVERYTHING. It’s the kind of crying that happens for no particular reason like if someone is particularly nice to me or even just asks me how I am. The drugs also are giving me weird tummy and back pains but the injections themselves I don’t mind doing at all. They’re the easy bit.

Work has been particularly busy and stressful this week with lots of ups and downs and I’m working long hours. Sneaking off for scans every other day isn’t ideal but fortunately the results are looking good with my ovaries growing lots of lovely follicles. I think I have two dominant ones on my left ovary at the moment which is great and IUI will happen on Monday I reckon.

If this course of IUI doesn’t work we’re considering trying something more drastic… I don’t mean stealing a baby… but maybe looking into IVF. I read that The Women’s Clinic do an egg sharing programme where you get the IVF free if you share eggs which could be something to consider as are funds are running out fast. Anyway, as I keep reminding myself I shouldn’t be jumping the gun when we have literally only had one failed IUI which is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I think when you want a baby it consumes absolutely every bit of you and it can’t come quick enough and I’m one of those people who will try any method to get what I want but I need to remember to be CALM and just slow down.

Hormonez

I’m now one week post IUI and what a crazy week it’s been. I’m using the progesterone suppositories to support the possible pregnancy and I’m finding the physical side of them fine but I have no idea if some of the craziness I’m experiencing is down to them or just PMT or perhaps side effects from the trigger shot I had to give myself the night before the IUI.

I’m generally not a spotty person at all. I even luckily missed all that during my teenage years and have had lovely clear skin since then. However, at the moment I have THE MOTHER of all spots on my face. Think painful everytime I smile, move or basically show any sort of emotion. You can see it for miles. I was having a cuppa in a cafe in Soho the other day and one of my sort of ex-boyfriends from around 10 years ago walks in as he’s seen us in the window and wants to say hi. Cue me wildly trying to hide said spot using any prop I can muster from hand, to mug…even my phone. CRINGE.

I also had a complete melt down after seeing a play this week which was quite sad but not standing on the Southbank sobbing for ten minutes sad. I mean, come on body get it together!!

Anyway only 1 week to go and then I guess I will do a test. BFP or BFN (getting used to the acronyms used in the fertility world!) whatever happens I’ll have a plan for the next month and can act accordingly. I’m just still trying to think positive!

High Fertility

I’m not going to talk too much about choosing the sperm as K wants to get in to all that, but it’s all a bit of an odd experience.

For the past week I have had ‘high fertility’ according to our little ClearBlue fertility monitor and that’s meant going in to the CRGH every day for internal scans and watching my follicle like a hawk. Every day we have not known whether today ‘will be the day’ that I get inseminated so everything has had to take a back seat…theatre trips, birthday parties, friends coming over…work. It’s been a really odd week as I am determined to stay at chilled as possible so have tried to get rid of all stressful aspects of my life. However since I’m totally anxious and nervous about the IUI itself the week hasn’t really played out that way.

This morning we went in for yet another scan thinking that the IUI would happen today or tomorrow but my little follicle needs to grow just a tiny bit more for the doctors to be happy. So I had a blood test to measure my hormones and am currently at home waiting for a phone call from the nurse to tell me whether to inject myself tonight in prep for IUI tomorrow or just to come back for a scan in the morning.

Everyone that knows knows I am terrible at not knowing what I am doing.  I’m a planner and I plan pretty much every hour of my day. I don’t like to waste time… I like multi tasking and getting tons done in one day but this week I’ve just felt shattered so I’ve been allowing myself some luxury day time naps and have been trying to do relaxing activities like cooking or reading which has actually been quite nice. So this afternoon has consisted of a rest and me urging my follicle to grow and doing lots of  visualisation techniques which apparently are supposed to improve chances of conceiving. Hmm…we’ll see.