All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey.

I haven’t blogged for a while… The disappointment of the failed IUI was heavy and deep and set in me like a bag of stones tied to me feet. I dragged it around with me bumping in to people as I went and rubbing off my anger on them. We went away for a few days to escape and for the first three days I did very little apart from sleep and watch TV. K did her best to pull me out of it but I was stuck hard and really felt that I had lost something…even though there wasn’t anything to lose in the first place.

A couple of weeks later and I feel better now. IUI #3 is due in a few days and I have felt really withdrawn from the whole process this time round. I’m clearly protecting myself from the hurt that might follow and I’m ok to admit that. I just feel as if I am just going through the motions… scan, injection, another scan, another injection… I’m not sure how I will feel during the two week wait. I’ll try and switch off from it I guess but that won’t be easy… and it’s probably not the most healthy thing to to do either.

The whole process just feels so lonely. It’s not something that anyone really talks about and I haven’t got any close friends that are even gay, let alone trying to have a baby with their same sex partner. Maybe we’ll be lucky third time round but I’m really not counting my chickens. All looks okay womb wise…but it did last time too so….

Anyway, we have a plan now. If this round doesn’t work we’ll take December off and discuss IVF with our consultant in the hope of doing that in January. We will get our baby!

Dust yourself off and try again

So after failed attempt number 1 we have opted for a slightly different treatment this time. Statistically natural IUI has a pretty low chance of working so we are having a non natural IUI cycle this time which means I am injecting myself every other day for a few days to encourage some extra follicles to grow. Last time I had 1 follicle and this time we are hoping for 2 or 3…not more though as apparently they have to remove them if there are too many…eek.

The injections are fine and I’m feeling ok which is good. IUI 2 will probably be next weekend or roundabouts I think. But who knows… I’m trying not to get too set on dates etc as when I did that last time I got really frustrated.

I had an appointment with a nurse at CRGH the other day who seemed very nice but completely clueless about bedside manner when speaking to patients. She proceeded to have a go at me about ordering my sperm ‘too late’… I ordered it just after I got a BFN test so it’s not exactly like I could have done it any earlier… she then asked me in an accusing way why I was trying again so soon! Erm, because we’d like a baby thankyouverymuch and it’s noneofyourbusiness. She also told me that my test results run out in December so I should get them sorted out asap which made me think that she thinks there isn’t much hope in IUI as she’s already thinking I’m going to be still having treatment in December so I felt pretty tearful and crap after all that. Sadly K was stuck at work so couldn’t make the appointment but she was really upset at how I’d been treated.

Anyway, sorry. Rant over. Time to go home and inject myself…

Hormonez

I’m now one week post IUI and what a crazy week it’s been. I’m using the progesterone suppositories to support the possible pregnancy and I’m finding the physical side of them fine but I have no idea if some of the craziness I’m experiencing is down to them or just PMT or perhaps side effects from the trigger shot I had to give myself the night before the IUI.

I’m generally not a spotty person at all. I even luckily missed all that during my teenage years and have had lovely clear skin since then. However, at the moment I have THE MOTHER of all spots on my face. Think painful everytime I smile, move or basically show any sort of emotion. You can see it for miles. I was having a cuppa in a cafe in Soho the other day and one of my sort of ex-boyfriends from around 10 years ago walks in as he’s seen us in the window and wants to say hi. Cue me wildly trying to hide said spot using any prop I can muster from hand, to mug…even my phone. CRINGE.

I also had a complete melt down after seeing a play this week which was quite sad but not standing on the Southbank sobbing for ten minutes sad. I mean, come on body get it together!!

Anyway only 1 week to go and then I guess I will do a test. BFP or BFN (getting used to the acronyms used in the fertility world!) whatever happens I’ll have a plan for the next month and can act accordingly. I’m just still trying to think positive!

IUI

So the IUI went without a hitch, we think.

After a long wait in the waiting room with me downing loads of water as the treatment has to be done on a full bladder we headed down to the basement of CRGH bursting for a wee. The room was dimly lit and very clean and just contained an ultra scan machine, it was all pretty chilled really. I got undressed and it was all over in minutes. Bit like a smear test…uncomfortable but ok and I did my best to visualise the little spermoids swimming in and making contact with the egg. (I was told to do this, as well as think lots of positive thoughts.) I then had to lie down for about 15 minutes and then head home. We spent the day relaxing and eating yummy food and thinking good thoughts!

I’m writing this five days after the IUI and I feel completely wiped. The medication they have given me comes with lots of side effects which bizarrely are a bit like pregnancy signs like sore boobs, tummy ache, tiredness etc. But I keep having to remind myself that they might mean nothing at all and not to get my hopes up. I’m already having to stop myself googling IUI success rates every two minutes… it’s all I think about at the moment…!

1 week and 3 days and then we shall know!

High Fertility

I’m not going to talk too much about choosing the sperm as K wants to get in to all that, but it’s all a bit of an odd experience.

For the past week I have had ‘high fertility’ according to our little ClearBlue fertility monitor and that’s meant going in to the CRGH every day for internal scans and watching my follicle like a hawk. Every day we have not known whether today ‘will be the day’ that I get inseminated so everything has had to take a back seat…theatre trips, birthday parties, friends coming over…work. It’s been a really odd week as I am determined to stay at chilled as possible so have tried to get rid of all stressful aspects of my life. However since I’m totally anxious and nervous about the IUI itself the week hasn’t really played out that way.

This morning we went in for yet another scan thinking that the IUI would happen today or tomorrow but my little follicle needs to grow just a tiny bit more for the doctors to be happy. So I had a blood test to measure my hormones and am currently at home waiting for a phone call from the nurse to tell me whether to inject myself tonight in prep for IUI tomorrow or just to come back for a scan in the morning.

Everyone that knows knows I am terrible at not knowing what I am doing.  I’m a planner and I plan pretty much every hour of my day. I don’t like to waste time… I like multi tasking and getting tons done in one day but this week I’ve just felt shattered so I’ve been allowing myself some luxury day time naps and have been trying to do relaxing activities like cooking or reading which has actually been quite nice. So this afternoon has consisted of a rest and me urging my follicle to grow and doing lots of  visualisation techniques which apparently are supposed to improve chances of conceiving. Hmm…we’ll see.